Today was rough. My gastroparesis has flared and I’ve been obstinately refusing to give up solid food even though I KNOW my body isn’t digesting it. I’ve felt cut off by friends I KNOW love and support me. I feel like a failure when I KNOW God is using me. I feel unworthy even when I KNOW it isn’t me or my circumstances that makes me worthy but the love of God that brings me into the safety of the loving arms of my heavenly father.
I don’t think I’m alone in feeling like sometimes the thing I know is drowned out by fears and insecurities. I wouldn’t say I forget, I just get distracted by all the negative messages in the world that tell me I should feel dissatisfied. I need more money, a newer car, a bigger house when all my needs are being taken care of. How can I, one who is so blessed, be unsatisfied?
1 Kings 19:9-18 This story in the bible is about the prophet Elijah wanting to hear God’s voice. God’s voice wasn’t in the wind, the earthquake or the fire but in the quiet whisper. I find myself hunkering down in the wind, seeking shelter from the earthquake and living in fear of the fire when God is there, in the quiet, taking care of me. I may not have a lot of friends but the ones I have, I cherish. God speaks in their gentle presence and cover me in prayer.
This is the truth I have to remember. It’s not about what I KNOW but what I BELIEVE. My faith is not about common sense but love in all its messiness. It’s not about what I have but trusting God to provide what I need. My belief takes me to a place of safety. My value is as a child of God. I believe God loves me and I KNOW I’m taken care of.
Photo by Mila Young on Unsplash
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