And the sadness begins. It’s been two weeks since my diagnosis of Major Neurocognitive Disorder. I was in denial. Making plans under the guise of trying to take control but really just not wanting to face it. And then BOOM! It hit me. This is not a flu that I’ll get over. It’s not even cancer – something to fight. Instead, it’s the “silent thief” stealing my memories and then my life. There are treatments but no cures. I may slow down the progression, but it will still take everything from me. As my wife held me, I sobbed. I couldn’t see past the cruelty of my situation. My hopes and dreams, everything that made me, me was under attack.
I’ve battled mental illness for 40 years. I’ve spent time in psych wards and battled medication side effects. Nothing was a magic pill but after decades of struggle, I am happy. I am thriving. I’m doing what I love: writing and speaking, serving and supporting others. That’s being taken away.
I have an amazing massage therapist, Megan Mendez, who simply said, “You’re not done yet”. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I may struggle to remember and be overwhelmed with desires that will never come true but that doesn’t mean I have to give up hope. I’ve got a long way to go towards acceptance but I’m not feeling hopeless as I did before we talked.
God is not done with me yet. I don’t know how much time I have before I can’t function anymore but I’m not there yet. God hasn’t left my side. He knows my fears and desires. He knows my grief and discouragement. But through it all, He is there for me. I pray that I never forget my love for Him but He will love me even if I do. As I lose my connection with my world, I will never lose my connection to Him. I don’t know what my service to Him will look like, but I do know for sure: I’m not done yet!
Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash
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